Let me paint you a picture: Last night I was at the grocery store, stocking up on cereal and cans of chili I’ll never eat because it feels like we could be quarantined any day now. In the checkout line, a person with no less than 15 jars of peanut butter in their cart started yelling at the shopper behind me for leaving their buggy unattended. I started sweating and felt my heartbeat rise, but then I played this clip on a loop from Johnson’s house tour that I’d posted to my Instagram:
“I love limes,” Johnson says in the most pleasantly hushed tone, pointing to a giant bowl of the most beautiful limes I’ve ever seen. “I love them. They’re great. I love them so much.”
Instantly, all the yelling and peanut butter and apocalyptic vibes melted away. “Wow, she’s right. Limes are great,” I thought to myself. “I wish I was a lime right now: shiny and green and sleeping in a bowl on Dakota Johnson’s kitchen counter.”
Watching Johnson’s house tour is the best vacation you’ll ever take. Even a real vacation where, like, you go to a beach can’t hold a candle to it. It’s a truly transformative experience. You’re instantly transported to a bamboo and crushed mohair (???)-covered world where your biggest problem is what artwork you want to stare at: the wax mushroom or the photo of Johnson’s grandma with one—one—of her tigers.
It’s a world where your delicate and expensive chairs that are not meant to be outside sit by your pool because, “Who cares?” A world where you have a table made from the wood of Winston Churchill’s yacht that no one uses. You have a lemon tree and an orange tree. Crystals the size of toddlers. A People’s Choice Award. This is nirvana. Nothing can hurt you here—not tax season, not Ellen DeGeneres, and certainly not the coronavirus.
For these 10 minutes, you can pretend you actually are Dakota Johnson, gliding around your all-green kitchen, not knowing what a teacup saucer is. Your neighbors will complain that your bamboo trees are too high, but that’s OK because you’re Dakota Johnson. You can tell them to “shove it.”
In this world, there are no rules: just perfect bangs, antique pianos, and a table maybe owned by Ryan Murphy, the former keeper of the house. Trust me: You need this escape right now. It’s a thing you won’t even realize you needed until you watch it. Check out the video, below, and when you’re done come talk to me. Aren’t you calmer? Happier? Ready to take on this pandemic with the enthusiasm Dakota Johnson has for 1stdibs? I thought so.